There’s a Hole in the Sidewalk

WHEW!! This week has been a doozy!!!

Have you been feeling the energy?
Last Saturday Mercury, the planet of communication went retrograde, that coupled with the upcoming solar eclipse is creating the perfect environment for us to slow down and notice what’s coming up for us emotionally, because whatever it is, is being asked to be healed and released; we have such an opportunity to truly let go of what’s not serving us in love and relationships.

Little did I know what was about to be stirred up for me….

Last weekend I was scrolling through IG and to my surprise, saw a man I dated about this time last year, pictured with people I KNOW.

My heart kinda tumbled, I felt a little sting, and noticed how quickly my familiar pattern of “not being chosen” rose right to the surface…. I could have sworn I healed that. (shucks!)

But the thoughts of “I’m not good enough” or “what did I do wrong” that I taught myself from such a young age, wedged a deep groove in my brain.

When I was young, I craved to be the girl the boys chose. I wanted to be liked, and have a boyfriend, like the other young girls.

I made being not chosen = not good enough.

So when I saw this guy I dated sitting there with them, the little girl in me went right back to feeling bad about herself, and making herself wrong.

The Universe gifted me the opportunity to heal this pattern that doesn’t serve me, it certainly doesn’t serve me in love.

Have you noticed your patterns?
Do you notice how they show up?
What are they helping you to heal?

For me, I knew this was showing up to help me be on my own side. To choose myself, in ALL ways. To let this part of me who wanted to be chosen so bad when she was younger, know that I was always going to choose her.

That means I have to first, acknowledge that this hurt part of me exists, and I can’t just keep stuffing the emotions down if I want to be the woman who has her big love.

Next, I get to listen and really understand why she feels the way she does and ask her what she needs to feel loved.

Without this step, I will fall into my pattern of trying to be filled up by someone else, and that NEVER works.

I get to tell her that no matter how a man does, or DOESN’T show up, it has NOTHING to do with her, and doesn’t mean she isn’t worthy of being chosen, and being loved.

You always have to remember to love yourself first!

What’s super beautiful about our wounds is that they lead us to love ourselves more deeply, thereby allowing in the deep love of another, and being able to receive it.

I believe the universe always has my back, and that I was meant to see that picture so I could clear out any left over residue from the pain of my inner little girl feeling not good enough to be chosen.

Had I not seen that photo, and allowed myself to go deep into healing my wound, I would still be operating from a covered up place of “I’m not good enough,” and who knows how many more men who wouldn’t choose me until I could learn the lesson of choosing myself.

That’s what life does for us.
It gives us gifts to make changes.
We get to choose what we change, if we change.

This poem actually says it all,

Autobiography In Five Short Chapters

by: Portia Nelson

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit… but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

As emotional healing can be, I know I’m seeing what’s coming up for me as a huge gift to bring me closer to, and TO what I love and desire.

I’m actively choosing to walk down another street, to create a new pattern that feels good and honors my love for me.

What are you choosing?

Comments 1

  1. This is so true, for every negative there is a positive, and when we find out what it is some how makes us stronger. We must believe in our own worthiness first and then things seem to just fall into place. Thank you Lena.

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