There I was, sitting on a bench eating vegan ice cream by myself; surrounded by families, ladies heading to the wine bar dressed to impress, couples holding hands; instantly, like a movie playing the story of my single life, my mind recalled every time I had been here – alone, feeling sorry for myself, no man with me, or on the horizon; wondering if I looked as sad and pathetic to the people around me, as I felt on the inside.
No matter how bad I wanted it — “it” being the man, the RELATIONSHIP — it felt so far away and many times I wanted to give up thinking it would ever happen for me.
I mean, being single isn’t so bad, right?!
It’s EASY being single.
And being in a relationship is hard.
These are two of my old negative beliefs.
Lies I told myself to feel better about not having what I wanted.
But can I tell you something?
I don’t believe that anymore.
I’m in a relationship.
It’s been a hot minute – ok more than 2 years- since I’ve been in a real life, grown up relationship with an available, amazing, attractive, smart, and funny Man- Who I LIKE! (I KNOW you feel me on <<THAT!)
To be completely honest love, this is the first relationship I’ve been in EVER that has been so easy…..
being in relationship with the right man for you FEELS SO GOOD!
Even though I am so excited, and love experiencing the natural evolution of this relationship, fear still comes up. Every day I’m invited to check in with myself and how I am being in this relationship – what kind of energy am I projecting into the relationship? How am I showing up? These are questions I ask myself daily.
Let me share with you a few key steps I took (and still practice) to create a feel good relationship with a good, available man!
Yep. I KNOW you’ve heard this, because there’s not a coach on the planet who doesn’t talk about creating a vision, but let me tell you, it’s not as easy as it sounds. 4 years ago I started working with a love coach, one of the first things I was coached to do was create a love vision, the exercise was simple: think of an experience you want to have with your man (future tense) and visualize it every day to FEEL the vision become reality (present day manifestation). So I did, I envisioned my future memory (the vision) and tried to FEEL what it would feel like to have it every single day. The problem was, I kept thinking of so many things I wanted in the relationship, I was list making in my head and it prevented me from connecting to my future vision! Over a couple of years, something clicked, it was what my coach, Nicole Moore, calls a “focus statement” and what I call a VISION MANTRA, here’s mine: I am experiencing true, devoted love with my husband, wrapped in peace, rooted in safety, and overflowing with passion, joy, and abundance.
Once I got this, I was on FIRE! I finally got what it meant to FEEL your vision. I wrote it down, and recited it EVERY SINGLE DAY (and still do by the way), repetition is key! It’s the FEELING of what you want that brings it to life, and this vision mantra sums up exactly how I want to feel in my relationship, so it’s no surprise I am experiencing it now!
If you feel called to create your own vision mantra, make sure it is in present tense, you want to feel the mantra as if it already is happening.
2. REMOVING BARRIERS TO LOVE
Did you know fear and love cannot exist in the same time and space? This is written in many books, including A Course in Miracles, as well as most any spiritual or yogic text you pick up, and I speak from life experience, this is in fact true; you must practice removing any barrier against love that exits in you, and consciously choose love over fear, over and over and over again.
Even though I am so excited, and loving the evolution of this relationship, fears come up (turns out I’m still human :), and every day something happens -usually a crazy thought in my head – that calls me to check in with myself and how I am being in this relationship.
Just the other day I was freaking out about when we were meeting on Sunday, I didn’t want him to be late (he’s kinda always late, and as a time ticking lady, it can really put me into a tailspin of mental BS), I knew my inner little girl was making him being late mean he didn’t care about, or value me.
Which I know isn’t true, and if my goal is to choose love, I need to remove any obstacle that stands in the way.
Is this my adult self or my little girl showing up here?
Do I need him to do X for me to feel safe?
What do I want? And how can I ask for it?
How can I GIVE to RECEIVE?
These are questions I ask myself when I am triggered, they help me move from fear into love.
You must first understand you are a multi-layered woman, and there are many parts of you existing within you simultaneously at any given moment.
Developing a keen awareness of the part, or parts of you who have the loudest voices, is a key first step in removing barriers to love.
If this practice calls to you, I recommend grabbing a journal and start writing!
Get the words and feelings of this/these part(s) down on paper; where does this part come from? Why is she showing up? Most likely she things she has a job to do, what is that job? If you don’t know, simply ask and wait for an answer. Wait patiently. If this is the first time you’ve acknowledged these parts, they may need some time to warm up to you 🙂
3. GODDESS BEHAVIOR
I believe I am a Goddess, and my “honey” told me recently, “You are Goddess Aphrodite incarnate”, so he sees it, too 🙂 Embodying Goddess behavior is how I translate “be the woman the man you want to attract is attracted to” ~ Nicole Moore.
So what does that mean exactly?
Let’s say you want a man who is available, commitment-ready, present with you, respectful and treats you like the Goddess you are.
This is a great start!
Now, grab a journal and write down all the ways in which you are already giving yourself Goddess treatment.
How are YOU available to yourself?
- Are you making time to do the things you love?
- If not, why not?
- And what can you do differently to create space for you?
How are YOU committing to yourself?
- IF you want to lose weight, what actions are you taking to achieve your goal?
- What are you committed to?
How do you come into connection with yourself?
- What is your personal sadhana? (your daily spiritual practice, the foundation of your day?)
In what ways are you Disrespecting yourself?
- What language do you need to change to see yourself as the Goddess you are and treat yourself as such?
This step is like a litmus test for your current level of worth and value. The answers you write in response to the questions above will tell you how you see yourself, and if you’re willing to see, will show you where you need love and support to help you gain a 🌟GOLD STAR 🌟 in owning your worth and value.
I struggled for years owning my worth, I sought outside myself for my value, and I wasn’t confident in expressing myself in relationships, specifically I was afraid to ask for what I wanted.
Through many tools, guides, and practices, AND practice with dating 🙂 I got my value, and when I did, NO ONE could take it from me!
Owning my worth and value makes me CONFIDENT in asking for what I need, and not feel bad or guilty about it. Being confident doesn’t give me free reign to be a bitch, part of being a Goddess is knowing how to communicate lovingly and speak femininely the way a man understands what is important to you.
Loving communication IS KEY. Both with yourself, AND your mate.
If you’re curious about how to speak the language of love and get positive responses from men, I highly recommend reading Alison Armstrong’s book, The Queens Code.