I Was on Cloud 9

Gosh, I was feeling gooooood!

Walking around with my head held high, feeling fiercely confident, matching with amazing men online- I had 3 dates lined up!

I was on top of the world and nothing could stop me!

And in less than a seconds time, I crashed.

I was catapulted back in time to when I was obsessed with what my body looked like, when I paid A LOT of attention to my weight, and when I measured myself against other women, the women who I thought I should look like because I thought that’s what men wanted.

I lost all those feel good feelings and went right back to the girl who thought she had to look a certain way to be loved.

It had been a while since I checked in with my weight, and I thought, “I feel SO good, I just wanna check in and see if the number reflects what I feel”

(bad idea, ego mind)

Um, No. It didn’t.

So I did what I did best as the girl who thought her looks were directly proportional to her ability to be loved – I beat myself up, I criticized myself, looked at myself in the mirror with disappointment, not love; I panicked about how I was going to lose it – because I obviously didn’t want it to go any higher, and I wondered if what I heard other women say was true – Did I have to accept that because I was getting older, that weight gain was part of it???

I started questioning myself –  Was I slacking in my diet? Was I unconsciously overeating? Was I turning to food for nurturing instead of nourishment? 

And before I got any further down the mental rabbit hole, I declared I had two choices:
  1. Accept it and get on with it – I mean, you were feeling SO GOOD! you were loving yourself SO much before you let the scale determine your worth
  2. Decide to lose it, to change the number on the scale – in full transparency, it was {only} 5 pounds, and I know you might be scoffing at me right now, but if you’ve ever been overweight, you know how the scale can really F*%K with your mind! (hence why we should probably follow that “don’t let the scale tell you how you feel” rule ;0)
I went about living life as “normal” over the next few days, silently taking inventory of my physical activity, my food intake, and how I was feeling about my body, MySELF.
I spent ALL day Sunday taking extra good care of ME with a strong yoga practice, a long walk, homemade, healthy food (care of moi :), a bath, and I could feel myself coming back around to the fiercely confident, happy woman I AM.

I was EMBRACING myself, rather than merely ACCEPTING myself.

When I was ready for bed Sunday night, it dawned on me, a lot more happened on the inside to transform me than what I had proactively taken action with on the outside.
Remember my last blog, I WAS CRUSHED, where I took inspired action in my love life and it didn’t pan out as I had dreamed?!
What I realized was this –
There was still more to that experience I was processing! Taking the action of asking out a cute guy – someone who represented a vision of what my inner unworthy self always wanted but never believed she would have – was pivotal for me!

It actually showed me how very worthy I AM!

Under the surface the part of me who was clinging to her outer self, was reestablishing, reconnecting to my inner being – the divine in me who KNOWS I am beautiful and worthy of love no matter what I weigh!

How magnificent is THAT?!

The truth is, our outer self is constantly changing; Every day we are aging – yeah, that can hit hard sometimes, but it’s fact.

There are things we can control, like what we eat, and how we exercise, but most importantly we have control over how we SEE and FEEL about ourselves.

If you feel unworthy on the inside, it won’t matter what the scale says, it won’t matter if you date a super cute guy; you’ll still feel unworthy until you get that the unworthy part of you needs some love, healing, attention, and real compassion – FROM YOU. From your divinity, from the highest part of yourself who sees you in perfect harmony to how Goddess intended you to be.

You can see how it played out for me to REALLY get it, so don’t be too hard on yourself if you’re still figuring it out. See that part of you with so much love, and know you are intended for GREAT love, no matter what the scale says.

I’d love to know if you connected with my story, in the comments below tell me what makes you feel unworthy to be loved.

Comments 2

  1. Hi Lena this article really resonates with me. I am trying to figure out how to embrace myself instead of just accepting myself. I am definitely someone who thinks she has to look a certain way if I want to get the guy I like.

  2. Hi Lena. Whether you put on weight or lose some, I think you will always be lovely because you have such a bubbly personality and it shines through. Who ever chooses you will be a lucky guy indeed. When you get to my age, well with all my wrinkles etc. chances are slim. I so wish I could meet someone who could really love me for who I am. But who know miracles can still happen.

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