I Was Crushed

I wanted to curl up and cry.

Instead I showed up for the online Zoom class I registered for, and cried in front of 4 women I didn’t know.

Just a few short hours before this, I was enjoying my regular Saturday morning yoga class and feeling pretty excited, albeit, nervous about my post yoga lunch “date”.

I had been curious about this guy for months, years even. He’s super cute, appears genuine and down to earth, practices yoga and I genuinely wanted to know more about him; and I’m not gonna lie, a part of me was definitely fantasizing about more, if you know what I mean.

So I did something I’ve never thought I would do – I asked him to lunch!

Of course I went round and round in my head about it, asked friends and my coach about it, but then I just decided to do it! What was the worst that could happen? He would say no, but I just kinda knew that wouldn’t happen, and neither did anyone else, so I did it. And he said yes.

For the first time in a long time it felt like a real possibility that this could be something, that we could click, and maybe this lunch “date” could lead to another…

So there we were, eating vegan goodness and talking it up, yeah, I was feeling a little nervous, I had a lot riding on this (mentally), and I could feel that pressure in my body. I had to intentionally remind myself to relax (on the inside, of course!)

Then it happens, he’s telling me how he winds down from work for the evening, when the bomb drops – “you just have to find someone it works for, and I’ve been lucky enough to find that; we just decided to be exclusive a couple weeks ago.”

He’s dating someone.
My excitement about that possibility for me, for us, crashed and burned in a single moment.

I barely hear him when he asks, “how’s your dating life going?

I froze. No words. I felt locked up.

WTF is happening?! What do I do? What do I say?!

Nothing but “good” came out.

Which was so incredibly vague. But what could I say?! “Oh I was hoping that maybe this could be a date

LOL!

Over the last few years I’ve worked really hard at seeing things differently, more positively; seeing life experiences like this one as driftwood that my husband is closer, rather than a disaster that is showing me I won’t have what I want.

I’ve learned how to speak what I desire, and I believe that your thoughts create things, so the last thing I wanted to do in that moment was agree with him when he said, “it has to be hard sometimes, the last girl I dated showed me the pool of men she sees on Bumble, and compared to the quality of women I see, it has to be hard.

But the truth is, IT IS HARD!

Not ALL the time, but there are definitely hard moments, and this for me was a HARD moment.

What could I do, except pull myself together and live out the rest of this lunch until I could leave and tell my friends how great it was, until it wasn’t.

And that’s what I did.

We wrapped it up with a hug and I solemnly made my way home, where

I cried on and off for two days straight; Most of those tears being shed in front of women I didn’t even know over a writing course that helped heal me in a lot of ways that weekend.

Ya know, I didn’t know how much I needed to cry those tears. I didn’t realize I was holding myself together so tightly, with an “everything’s all good over here” smile on my face, and “My man is here” mentality. I didn’t know how much I truly needed to let go of what it might look like. What I might look like.

3 years ago I would have rolled this over and over in my mind, I would have made myself wrong for not asking him sooner, if I hadn’t waited weeks and weeks to ask him, he wouldn’t have been dating the girl, and then my fantasy would have been fulfilled. I would have sulked about it for months, and made it all mean I wasn’t good enough. For him. Or anyone.

Today I know better,

I can see the world is just as it should be, for me and for him;

I can be proud of my courage to take a chance and see what would happen, I can be happy I have a new friend, and I can feel good that I had a hard moment, let it be hard, and learn from it.

It’s not always easy out there, but just maybe me sharing this experience with you, sparks you to take inspired action on behalf of your dreams, be it in love or with something else.

All Love,

Lena

In the comments below – Tell me, what’s been your hardest moment in love?

Comments 10

  1. Shew I can resonate with this. I find it difficult to even ask men out. And it seems I always get there too late. I don’t even cry about it anymore.

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  2. I am torn on what to do. I met this guy almost 6 years ago who I care about like a supper good friend in my mind nothing more, but if he could have his way he would marry me. I’ve told him how I feel about him. I am 63 years old and I just have come to the conclusion that those feelings will never come around again because I’m probably just too old for that, but my heart as much as I have prayed about it doesn’t give me a live spark at all with this man. He is extremely financially good to me and even gives me a credit card to use when I need too. I guess you could call him a sugar daddy but with no love benefits at all, Never. Most men would have moved on by now, but because of my struggles to make ends meet he is right there for me in that area. The only thing we have in common is travel if I want to go places for fun, he takes me. I’m a Christian, he’s not, I love to dance, he doesn’t, I love my sweet dog, he doesn’t, the list goes on and on, but I Can’t let go cause I need his help and he knows it. I recently met a guy that I instantly fell for like you did. He is fit, tall, very handsome and an extremely good dancer and he says he loves the Lord and has went to church. All the ladies swarmed around him like flies trying to attach themselves to him and trying to push me asside, but he asked me out and I have been seeing him some on the side ever since. We have a lot in common and I realized that I do still get those butterflies inside my stomach when I see him. Something I have truly learned is possible still at my age. But here’s the deal, he has only taken me out to a nice sit down dinner once. At the dinner I told him about the other guy I had been seeing and this was the second time I had talked to him a little about him, but he just said, don’t break up with him because of me, so I thought to myself, Ok I want. It’s been 6 weeks of seeing him now and I have learned that he is extremely tight with his money. He is an engineer and makes good money, but he doesn’t go out of his way to spend on me. He will buy me one drink when we go out to dance, but doesn’t ask me if I want another. He doesn’t drink at all which I think is a good thing. There is just some flags I am concerned about with him and I’m not certain he likes my dog either because he never says to let her in, when he is over visiting. It bothers me the most that he never has asked me about the guy I’ve known and seen for over 5 years now. Besides this new guy is from Colorado and is working here for about 2 years, but he is already telling me how much he is missing his friends in Denver and the dance clubs he goes too there and he has only been working here at his new job for only a month. Another red flag to me!!!!

    I don’t want to give up my life with my friend that helps me out financially, if I am only going down a rabbit hole to no end chasing a fanticy dream guy that all the ladies are after and trust me as you get older there are fewer and fewer men to find and let alone men who have hair, six pack abs, no beer belly and can sweep you off your feet on the dance floor. Can you help me on what I should take action to do? I guess at my age I should be happy to have this problem, but I want to be fair to the both of them.. Lol

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      love, I thank you for your comment, and in true transparency, You would be well suited to have a love coach help you here!! As a love coach, I can tell you based on what you shared above that you FEEL more connected to the man who is “tight with his money”, how you describe how you feel with him is in alignment with what you desire, and that’s HUGE- the other man, although I am sure quite lovely, doesn’t give you the same feeling, but he provides you with a false sense of security with his money. The thing to ask yourself love, is this: Do you want to live out the rest of your life with a man you don’t feel connected to, and who, let’s be frank, could leave and take his money with him at any moment; or do you want to live your life with a man you feel connected to, enjoy being with, and have the power to influence his spending habits? the choice is yours. If you are interested in having a coach help you work through this, go to my site and email me for a request to talk.

  3. That guy isn’t worth crying over. If he was already exclusive with someone else, why did he accept your lunch invitation? He should have told you when you invited him. I think you dodged a bullet.
    Men who do that kind of thing irritant me to no end. It’s basically him being dishonest and a bit chicken s__t.

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      Hi Alexis,
      I can see how you might see it that way if you’ve been burned in the past. The thing is, we are friends in the yoga world, I didn’t pose it as a date, it was literally an invitation to get to know him more, and as you read in the blog, a part of me definitely wanted it to be more, but that wasn’t presented outwardly. Have you had experiences where men are dishonest with you?

  4. Well, let me just say…do not…I repeat DO NOT ever think that this man did not know exactly why you asked him out. He knew you were interested…but being a “typical man” he enjoyed the attention and so instead of telling you he was flattered…but he had just started seeing someone so he couldn’t accept…he accepted anyway! Trust me I know this because it’s been done to me more than a few times!! He may be an okay guy…but still…it was an ego thing on his part knowing damn well your hopes were up (they may play it dumb…but men aren’t THAT dumb!!!) but he just couldn’t refuse the attention could he? I do not ask men out anymore. I don’t even give a man a card even if we seem to be hitting it off…unless he asks for it. No reason to. Men will ask for your number if they like you and are available to ask…otherwise I’ve found it’s just an ego thing for them and they aren’t really interested. Frankly…I’m sick of being disappointed so no more. Now…the only way I know love will happen for me is if a man is interested in me and only me…and pursues me (which hasn’t happened in a long time…too many other single women out there for them to choose from) If not…then oh well…I know it will never happen for me ever again which is sad…because I’m a really good loving partner. What a waste. Love is very hard to find especially when you are older which really I suppose answers your question above. What is the hardest moment in love? IT’s ALL hard now. You need to find not only a compatible match but a man you are physically attracted to as well because sooner or later all men want to have sex so you better be welcoming to it otherwise…won’t work. You may be intellectually attracted to him and love his company as a companion but if you can’t see him on top of you good luck! LOL! It’s no longer turning over stones to find a good man any long…sadly it’s turning over boulders now. (and I’ve even heard this from women in their 20s. I don’t recall it being that hard when I was in mine! ) Sadly this world has changed…people have become harder…men have become more difficult and pickier because they know they can. And you better have THIS and you better have THAT as a woman otherwise there are so many choices for men now. Women aren’t so lucky any longer especially over 45. I’ll end this here…I could go on…but I won’t. God help us all.

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      Hi Lisa, I’m sorry to hear you’ve been hurt in the past. For me, I know that this man is not the same as the men you’ve experienced in your past. I can understand how you would see him that way, though, given what you told me you’ve been through. Here’s the thing, when you look at life through the lens of what happened in the past, you create exactly what you don’t want. I know this because I used to be this way, X happened, and so it will happen again; it does, and so goes it onward. I hear the hurt of your heart inside your hardened words, if you believe it is hard, it will be. You can only change that which you are willing to see differently. Are you willing to see life differently?

  5. Hey Lena,

    I can relate to your story. I met this guy we were totally compatible, but he stopped calling with no excuse. I had to chalk it up to life and the games men play.

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      Hi Dree, I’m sorry to hear that happened, and I know it can feel shitty when someone you connect with disappears, that’s happened to me before, too. Here’s the thing though, it doesn’t have to mean he was playing you. You can never know what’s going on with the other person, I had to learn this, because like you, there was a time it was easy for me to blame the man and make him wrong. What if something happened? What if he met someone else and he just didn’t have the heart to be open and honest with you about it? Does it make it ok? No. What it feels like is there is a part of you who believes all men play and can’t be trusted, is that true? It took me a while to understand how my negative beliefs were impacting not only my love life, but my every day life. Those beliefs run deep, and it takes a connection to the part of you that believes that to heal it and transcend. That’s what I have learned, and that’s what I teach my clients.

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